Wrongly accused cucumbers

Poor cucurbitaceae! Creeping vine cultivated lovingly for 3,000 years, shining star of many a modern porn shoot, healer of skin disease, longtime slug killer, cellulite remover, wrinkle chaser, hangover alleviator, cleanser of faucets, sinks and stainless steel, fertility charm, carrier of vitamins B1, B2, B3, B5, B6, C, folic acid, calcium, iron, magnesium, phosphorus, potassium and zinc, dragged to Europe by the Romans…in 2009, an international team of researchers announced they’d sequenced the cucumber genome…this week the green watery flagpole is the subject of intense diplomatic battle between two European hyperpowers.

Fear of Killer Cucumber Grips Europe, proclaimed the Times of IndiaBelgium Blocks Spanish Cucumber Imports, a German newsagency declared. 16 Dead From Killer Cucumbers, said The Sun. Full transmission of media plague. Cucumbers infected with E.coli allegedly may cause the deaths of a few dozen people by week-end, leading to a rake of retailers withdrawing cucumbers from sale in Germany, Austria and the Czech Republic. Hundreds were also thought to be ‘critically ill’, the outbreak of hemolytic-uremic syndrome, which affects the blood, kidneys and, in severe cases, the nervous system, was the largest ever in Germany and the biggest of its kind worldwide. Health officials advised people in Germany to avoid eating cucumbers, tomatoes and lettuce immediately. The cucumbers were initially thought to have been sourced from Spain, however subsequent tests failed to show contamination in the imported Spanish cucumbers which lead to the Spanish Government demanding compensation for Spanish farmers who had been forced to destroy huge quantities of cucumbers. Germany, in the mainstay, was to blame.

Let’s just take a quick breather to browse relations between the two countries in recent history. While Spain was neutral in the Second World War its dictator General Franco was indebted to Hitler. The Nazis provided him with air power and armaments during the Spanish Civil War (1936-39) which had tilted the struggle in Franco’s favour. 

In the post war period especially when Spain opened up to mass tourism in the 1960s, the country became a new battleground between the British and the Germans. This “war” was fought out at the edge of swimming pools and sunny sandy beaches with the Germans making major advances by being up mega early and getting their towels and women down first! 

For a period up until the 1990s the Germans were the second foreign dominant force on the Spanish costas. But there was temporary German flight from the sun spots after the Social Democrat-led government started to impose taxes on Germans who owned properties abroad. Relations also soured somewhat in 2004, when Zapatero was elected Spanish Prime Minister. The Prime Minister’s relationship with Chancellor, Angela Merkel was less close from that moment on, but remained civil, at least on the surface. The heyday of the D-Mark rich German tourist spending large amounts of cash on the Costa Del Sol while belching up pretzels was over. The Brits, and the Irish, remain in depleted numbers and spend more in the Malaga branch of Dunnes or Lidl than in the family run shops and cafes.

The Spanish are now uber furious that German paranoia over cucumbers has cost them hundreds of millions of vital euros. But they ought to be careful in attacking De Fatherland. Spain could follow Ireland and Greece in going to the EU with a begging bowl. Fiscal crisis in Spain means Spanish banks are as over-stretched as Irish ones having also got into the property-bubble mania. Going to the EU with said begging apparatus means of course asking the Germans for a dig-out. Germany is the main banker of the EU and it’s German car engineers in Stuttgart and chemical workers in the Ruhr who are currently helping to keep civil servants in Athens and Dublin in their jobs.

Post War Germany became famous for many things including a highly productive porn industry in places such as Essen in the north, which is regarded as the smut-producing capital of the Federal Republic. Germans, like the English, have a penchant for rear end activities with the aid of the long, girthy green food stuff that is currently wrongly blamed for Europe’s lethal outbreak. Knuckle Cake is just one term used to describe such activities. Even though the Spanish would surely like to take one of those cylindrical fruits and place it firmly in the anal passage of any German politician they see as responsible for the cucumber-hysteria, caution is advised! German bank balances and a robust economic growth means Kraut neighbours are more than capable of giving as good as they get, ensuring any EU partner that crosses them will eventually have to bend over and ask: “how far and for how long Meine Damen und Herren?”

About junecaldwell

June's short story collection Room Little Darker is published by New Island Books in May 2017. She's a prizewinner of The Moth International Short Story Prize and has been shortlisted and highly commended for many others including: Calvino Prize in Fabulist Fiction, Colm Toíbín International Short Story Award, Sunday Business Post/Penguin short story prize, Lorian Hemingway (USA), RTÉ Guide/Penguin Ireland and Over The Edge New Writer of the Year. In 2010 she received an Arts Council of Northern Ireland (ACNI) bursary for fiction. Her work has been showcased at the Italo-Irish Literature Exchange in Nogarole Rocca / Verona (May 2012), Read For The World (June 2012) and Bloomnibus (June 2013) at the Irish Writers' Centre, Galway Pro Choice (Aug 2013), Over the Edge Galway (Dec 2013), Stinging Fly Spring Launch (March 2014), At The Edge, Cavan (May 2014), The Winding Stair Prizewinner's Reading (Sep 2014), One City One Book: DLR Lexicon Barrytown Trilogy reading (April 2015), Hodges Figgis Book Festival (Oct 2015), Bogman's Canon Fiction Disco (Nov 2015, April 2016), Doolin Writers' Weekend (March 2016), Five Lamps Arts Festival (Mar 2016), National Concert Hall: Kevin Barry Recital Room series (April 2016) and the Eastrogen Rising: A Rebel Cabaret. Her creative writing has been published in Woven Tale Press, The Moth, The Stinging Fly, Literary Orphans and Popshot, as well as a non-fiction biography of a Trouble's moll with Gill and MacMillan in 2006. Her short story 'SOMAT' is published in The Long Gaze Back: The Anthology of Irish Women Writers, edited by Sinéad Gleeson/New Island. Journalism: The Gloss, The Guardian, The Observer, Sunday Times, Sunday Life, Sunday Tribune, Sunday Business Post, Sunday Independent, Ireland on Sunday, Irish Independent, as well as a number of women's magazines and trade journals.

Posted on June 2, 2011, in Arseholes, Bonking, Economy (yawn), Politics and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. June, found your post both amusing and informative. Very interesting reading about the historical and political context. The cucumber crisis limps on… Nicola

    • junecaldwell

      What a bizarre situation though, felt sorry for those vats of perfectly formed Spanish cucumbers about to be dumped. Apparently E.coli can be present in the soil but they still haven’t managed to locate the source. At least the Germans can afford the compensation this time…

  2. June, that was hilarious! Brilliant!
    Caroline x

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